Doctor Appointments

We will be home soon and are wondering about our doctor’s appointments and how that’s going to work. I have an annual checkup soon so I wonder how it may be conducted.

They seem to be doing things by virtual exams with facetime. I can see mine going something like this with Rosalie’s help.

Our doctor

The Doctor: Okay Chris drop your pants. Now Rosalie, grab his bits and check for any abnormalities. NO, wait! Stop that, I’m trying to do an exam. WILL YOU GUYS STOP THAT AND PAY ATTENTION. Oh god! that’s gross. Now for the rectal…..No, wait,  I think we’ll skip that for this year.

Rectal exam??

The Doctor again: Okay Chris I need you to gently hold Rosalie’s breasts and check for lumps. OH MY GOD! THEIR AT IT AGAIN! YOU’RE TOO OLD FOR THAT!

Me and Rosalie: Grin!

Me, during Rosalie’s exam!

Doctor: Okay Chris I need you to take your own blood pressure.

I hook myself up to the machine. press the button and wait.

Doctor: Yikes! it’s 180 over 100.

Me: What do you expect you’ve had us feeling each other up for the last ten minutes. Anyway, I need to talk to you about my prescription for Cialis and blood pressure pills.

Rosalie is scheduled for a Carotid artery bypass sometime in the near future but all surgeries like hers have been cancelled. I offered to do the job for her But she declined. Perhaps it was my comment after several days of isolation that I would love to cut her throat for her. Anyway, I do now have some abnormalities in the nether regions. They say the swelling will go down eventually. Lots of ice and a strip of duct take over my mouth should do it.

My hip has been playing up this year so I think the virtual exam may go something like this.

Doctor: Okay Rosalie take Chris’s leg and give it a little turn to the right.

Me: OOwwwww!

Rosalie: Grin.

Doctor: Okay Rosalie, a little less this time as we don’t want to hurt him.

Me: OOWWWWWWW!!

Rosalie, realizing she has the ultimate power over me: BIG grin.

Doctor: Oh, what the f**k I’m going home.

We are more than willing to be quarantined. Life at the trailer is good and we shall make the most of it. Do we still have to hang a sign outside our site saying “unclean, unclean (maybe)” or is that just a suggestion? Just so long as we don’t see any signs saying “Bring out your dead” we should be Okay.

As you can see by the quality of my blogs there is quite a bit of pressure on me and I may have to go and see a head doctor. He’s sure to say that it’s all about the alcohol, but I can assure him that I’ve been taking more than my fair share so I should be fine. Remember the doctor who said drink tonic water?  Well, I’ve been doing my bit for Queen and country by adding much more gin than needed. Somebody has to make sacrifices.